In my last blog, I talked about my fear of judgment from others. This time, I’m going to talk about my fear of judging others because honestly, it’s terrifying.
Like most people I know that go to Church, I’m a part of a ‘small group’ (Connect Group, Core Group, Life Group, Gathering Group, Adults R Us Group, F.I.S.H. Group (Friends In Service To Him) . . . throw whatever kitchy group name you want in there). It’s in these small group settings that internally, I morph into the biggest judge the world has ever seen. Think Judge Joe Brown (but bigger). From the moment I walk into the room, I start my evaluation process typically using the ‘Who, What, When, Where, Why’ process. It goes something like this:
Who’s that? What are they doing here? When are they going to stop talking so I can talk? Where are the people I actually care to talk to? Why are there no good snacks this week?
These are just a few of the questions I start asking myself that begin the trial in my mind that lasts the entire evening. After all, judging 8-15 people and their thoughts and presentation, the food and the group material all in one night takes a lot of work.
As I sit there selfishly trying to determine my verdicts, I do the one thing all great judges do: I take shelter. I hide behind my internal podium and let the lawyers go to work so I don’t have to say anything. I cover up all my own thoughts, feelings, ideas and personality because, back to last week, I’m terrified that everyone else is doing exactly what I’m doing- judging me. I’m scared they’re holding their own court, while I’m the one on trial. No joke- last year during a small group I was in, I didn’t say a word during a discussion for 9 WEEKS because I was so scared other people were going to be judging me the way I was judging them. It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to say; it was that I didn’t want to sound ridiculousness to them. Isn’t that so interesting? That at what’s supposed to be a ‘Christian’ gathering, aka: a judgment free zone, the only thing I seem to do is judge. And I can’t seem to figure out how to get my mind to stop. At the heart of it all, the biggest reason I’m scared of being judged is because I’m the biggest judge of others. As soon as I meet someone, something or some situation, I’m evaluating it and determining whether I think whatever it is is good enough.
Now, here’s the reason this is a fear of mine. Not only is being a judge when you’re not a judge completely unwarranted and wrong, but being a judge steals the very thing I treasure most. I’m scared of judging others because judging others robs community of its entire purpose, and I need community. Judging others steals vulnerability, authenticity and true relationship, and it’s community that brings friends, faith and accountability. Three things I (we?) all need.
This fear is a fear I’m glad I’m finally aware of, and I hope it’s a fear that dethrones me from my judgment seat. I wouldn’t mind losing my seat. After all, I didn't even go to law school, and I think the world has enough judges without my gavel in the mix.
-Cliff
Cliff’s Note: If you aren’t a judge, don’t try to be one.
* authors note: this is a post of honesty. please do not feel judged or like i'm judging you next time we interact. i'm working and praying hard to resolve the above mentioned issue. thank you for your patience with me as a human. *