What's your 'Christianese' for 'porn'? Just say it.

Last weekend, I attended a conference here in Adelaide called the Lifewell Conference. It was a conference that addressed some of the issues that effect our day-to-day cultural and societal experiences. With that, the conference had a speaker who addressed the issues of porn and the objectification of women, followed by a breakout session. I couldn't believe some of the graphics the woman showed us that were being displayed in our mainstream media; however, more so than that, I couldn't believe how many men seemed unaffected by what we'd just seen and heard. Out of all of the conference attendees, only five guys stayed around for that breakout session, compared to the 20 or so women who showed up (mostly concerned for their sons). I say all that to say this: Guys, where are you at, and why aren't we talking about this more?

As a 24-year-old raging, hormonic male, I would be flat out lying if I said don't struggle with lust or haven't struggled with porn. It's an issue I truly believe 99 percent of all men deal with, but only 50 percent talk about. It's been an issue ever sense Adam saw the fruit and wanted what he couldn't have. 

For some, porn is something to be proud of for watching. For Christians, it's a shameful thing that we're proud to watch when no one's looking. Let's face it, what is there stopping us? It's easy enough to pull it up on our smartphones or computers, erase it from our search history and pretend it never happened. There's no consequence, and in reality, it's rare that anyone could ever find out. Plus, what's more manly than sitting in front of a computer screen with your pants around your ankles? 

It's true, porn is a problem; However, as much as porn is the problem, it's not the only problem. It's also fear, shame and cowardliness. We are cowards while we feel, for a short time, empowered. So many times in Christian circles, we're scared to even say the word 'porn.' It's a word we bounce around and replace with "I stumbled," "secret sin" or the infamous "unspoken." As is said in Harry Potter, "Fear of the name only increases fear for the thing itself."  We don't address the real issues because we won't address the real word for fear of shame and the 'what will others think' syndrome. If we're scared to say the word porn, we're going to be terrified to admit we're actually watching it. 

Just as we hide behind our screens, we hide behind our shame. We're scared to tell even those closest to us, whether it's our best friends, mentors or our brothers and sisters in Christ. We pray for forgiveness, but where then after is the repentance? If and when we do confess to each other, we often receive an, "It's okay. There's grace for that" comeback, without any real challenge or consequence. Here's the deal, though. I don't believe there's just grace to be had. I believe there's more than that - there's power.

Just as God has given us grace upon grace, He has also, and more so, given us the power of His Spirit to overcome the bondage many of us have struggled with in regards to lust, porn and adultery. We have not been given a Spirit of shame, but of boldness, and we have not been given a Spirit of slavery, but of freedom and new life. 

This week, let us begin to be bold and free. Let us simply confess and say the word 'porn' if we need to. The secret to battling porn is talking about it, openly, not awkwardly. Find accountability that actually holds you accountable. Tell someone, anyone, and just talk about it because I promise, you're not alone. If you can't think of anyone to talk to, talk to me. I'd love to trade struggle stories and challenge one another. Let us not be cowards. I promise you this, friends: We will not experience freedom until we experience fearlessness.

-Cliff

Cliff's Note: We will not experience freedom until we experience fearlessness

Applebee's Knows My Neighbor Better Than Me

I feel like I don’t know my neighbor.

To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever really known my neighbor. Whether it was at the same exact house I lived in for 18 years of my life in Duncan, Okla., either of the 4 different places I lived in college or in my residence in Seattle, I don’t think I’ve ever known my neighbor. Quite frankly, that’s sad.

As introverted as I am, it makes meeting people exhausting for me. Yet at the same time, I get a lot of joy out of hearing other people’s life stories because no one’s story is ever the same. A big part of my job now is to meet with strangers on a regular basis for coffee shops and ask them about their families, their churches and their stories. It’s super intriguing, and you’d be amazed at the amount of info someone will share if you just ask them – even after just meeting one time.

As I look back on all the people that I’ve lived only a stone’s toss away from, it makes me feel like someone gave me a stack of New York Time’s Best Sellers that I just poured kerosene on and lit on fire, not caring to even look past the cover. But that’s the truth, isn’t it? How quick are we to know only the cover of someone when in reality, there’s an entire novel to dive into that’s possibly better than any of the Harry Potter series. Personally, I tend to not even know the ‘covers’ of my neighbors. I couldn’t tell you a single one of my neighbors names, whether it’s anyone that has lived beside me or across the street from me. For all I know, I could’ve been living next to John Wayne’s grandson or something. The point is, I’ve really missed out.

There are only a few things I know to be true about knowing neighbors. The main one is the ‘Golden Rule, to “love your neighbor as yourself.” What if that literally means your neighbor? If it does, I’ve royally been breaking the Golden Rule for 23 years. There’s another verse in the Bible that say’s we’re to be “witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” I feel like our minds are quick to forget the “Judea and Samaria” and the places close by jumping automatically to the ends of the earth. I know when I think missions, I don’t think my neighborhood. I think Africa. For some reason, I think everyone thinks Africa . . .

This year is the first year I’ve ever had to share the same room with someone else. As a result, I have three REALLY close neighbors, each with our own twin-sized bed within six feet of each other. One of my roommates and I came to a sad, but true conclusion. We’ve been living an arm’s length away from one another for seven months, and we just went to coffee together for the first time last week. We’re friends now, and we even follow each other on Instagram.

The truth is, Applebee’s knows my neighbor better than I do, and I’ve treated the Golden Rule like fool’s gold for the past 23 years. Flying to Africa is expensive but walking next door isn’t; maybe I’ll try that.

– Cliff

5 Ways to Bring Longevity to Long-Distance

We’ve all heard the cliché, “distance makes the heart grow fonder;” however, how true is that statement? And if distance makes the heart grow fonder, what does closeness do?

Relationships with friends, significant others and family are hard, but adding long distance to those relationships can make them seem even harder. Even when you’re as close as living under the same roof as someone, relationships take work, sacrifice and intentionality; however, how much more hard work, sacrifice and intentionally do relationships take when you add a few hundred or a few thousand miles between friends, family and home? Here are a few tips to help bring longevity and life to long-distance friendships and relationships, whether you’re out of the country for a few years or just across the state for a few months.

1. Use Technology
This is the obvious one. We live in the most technological age of the world, and it’s only going to get more advanced as time goes on. With technology comes an array of options to help keep in contact with close friends and family. From email, phone calls, texting, Skyping, FaceTiming, Tweeting, Facebooking, Instagraming, Snapchating and so many more communication vehicles, there are more than enough ways to stay connected to those we love (if you got through that list in one breath, props). Though technology may be hard to come by and use in certain places, public Wi-Fi is available now in many places, so be sure to take advantage of it. Use technology to call or write to your friends and family when you can, and never forget to call home; mom and dad want to make sure you’re alive. Also, here’s another key tip– Don’t let technology distract you from where you are. Be present and be in the moment; you are where you are for a reason.

2. Communicate Well
Unless you want to live on a deserted island by yourself with no contact to the outside world, communication is important. The ability to communicate well is crucial to healthy relationships, and it is vital to any relationship, long distance or close, to be able to communicate in a healthy way. It’s important to be able to figure out your strengths and weaknesses in communication, as well as figuring out the other person’s strengths and weaknesses. For example, if one person’s strength is texting and the other person’s strength is talking on the phone, spend some time doing each of these things to so people can benefit. To communicate well with loved ones, especially over long distance, it takes patience, understanding and selflessness. With distance come time differences. To communicate effectively over time differences, it takes patience with your friends and an understanding that schedules are not always going to line up. It’s important to set aside that extra time in your schedule to communicate well – even when it’s hard and when the timing is not always the most convenient for you. Be selfless with your time, and most importantly be flexible.

3. Know Love Languages
Knowing “love languages” may sound like something that’s just for people with ‘significant others,’ but it’s really for every kind of relationship and friendship. Knowing the love languages of the people closest to you is important in order to love friends intentionally, regardless of the distance separating you. The five love languages are: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifting, quality time and physical touch. Some of these are easier than others to do across distances, such as writing a letter full of words of affirmation, spending quality time together via FaceTime or Skype, or sending small gifts in the mail to one another. Physical touch and service are more difficult simply because it’s hard to hug someone when they’re thousands of miles away; however, still knowing one another’s love languages can save a lot of time and energy on figuring out how to show love to those closest to you. Here are some basic ideas: Affirmation: letters, Quality time: Skype, Gifts: a package in the mail, Service: Be thoughtful in gift giving, Physical touch: Give the biggest hugs ever upon reuniting

4. Look Forward to Something
Remember when you were a kid and there was nothing more difficult than waiting for Christmas morning? It was something to look forward to all year ‘round that would start on December 26 and wouldn’t stop until December 25 the next year. Just as a kid has Christmas to look forward to each year, it’s absolutely helpful to have a date to look forward to with your friends that’s in the future. Whether it’s a Skype session next week or Spring break six months away, having a date set to see one another again in the future is a symbol of hope and longing that keeps a positive vibe flowing through the relationship. It’s something to talk about, plan for and look forward to together. This has been one of the biggest keys for my girlfriend and I, as we’ve dated long distance for the past 10 months. We’ve always had a date to look forward to in the future when we would see one another again, and it’s given us a positive, tangible thing to hold on to when homesickness and missing one another sinks in. I highly recommend countdown calendars.

5. Realize Distance is Only Temporary
Even though the form of a relationship may change from close distance to long distance, it doesn’t mean the intensity of a relationship has to change. Distance is only a stage and a small part of the overall story that makes up a relationship. All relationships have stages to them, and distance is just another stage and test that will only strengthen the relationship and make it deeper. Long-distance friendships are unique, and with them relationships can grow in ways unlike any other. As talking and writing become the main form of communication, it becomes easier to have deep, meaningful conversations with the people closest to you because there’s only room for so much “small talk” before there is nothing left to talk about except deep issues and feelings. If you’re in a long-distance relationship or friendship of any kind, I would encourage you to step back and realize that it will only be “long-distance” for a small period of time in the grand scheme of life’s story. It’s a special time that can build your relationship into one that is unshakeable and strong for all the right reasons.

With these tips in mind, let’s go back to this question: “If distance makes the heart grow fonder, what should closeness do?”

Closeness makes our hearts grow ready for distance when times of distance come. Regardless of how many friendships you may have, distance is bound to sneak into at least one of those relationships at some point, whether it’s a friend moving away to college or a significant other taking a job in a new place. Take advantage of the time you have with your friends and family while you’re close to them so that if and when distance becomes a factor of those relationships, you’re prepared to take the steps needed to keep the people you love in your life close, regardless of how far away they may seem.

-Cliff

Transformation Happens at Relationship

I have a best friend that I’ve known more than 10 years. We live on opposite ends of the country, but we still talk like we live at opposite ends of the street. Just like you and your best friend, we talk about life, sports and spirituality. However, when we talk, my friend and I always end up talking ourselves into extreme, transformative ideas – ideas that slowly, but surely take form, take action and become reality.

My point here is not to boast about having a good friend. My point here is to prove that relationship means something. In fact, it means everything. Relationship means not just knowing about someone, but also knowing someone inside and out. It means not just talking about someone, but talking with someone about their past, their dreams and their goals. When relationship happens, transformation happens.

Relationship is important in our cities and communities if we want to see change in the lives of those around us. There are successes and failures of transformative efforts on both the right and left sides of the political spectrum and if we come to a middle ground, we can wind up at relationship. While one side focuses on the individual and his or her righteousness, the other side focuses on group systems and social justice. Both righteousness and social justice are good, but what happens when we become so focused on a person’s rightness or a system that can fix a person’s rightness that we overlook actually talking to the person in question rather than just about them and their issues. What happens when we forget relationship?

I’m going to quote Jesus on this one from Mark 12: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” When we forget relationship, we are most certainly not loving our neighbor as our self. On the contrary, when we forget relationship, we begin to live out the idea that “Jesus loves you, but I don’t love you.” We begin to tell people how to live, but not live life with them.

Transformation moves at the speed of relationship. Earlier, I said that I’ve had a friend that I’ve cultivated a relationship with for more than 10 years. Because of that, we can pitch each other outlandish ideas that slowly become not so outlandish. The point is this: My friend is much more likely to listen to and consider crazy ideas and change if he hears it from me than if he hears them from a stranger who is telling him to do something he’s never thought of doing. This is also applies to the alcoholic standing on the street corner or the woman being exploited; they’re more likely to change if we love them like Jesus told us to and if we have a relationship with them. If we want to see lives, cities and our world transformed, we have to be bold enough to establish relationships and love our neighbors, whomever they may be, as ourselves.

-Cliff