As I’m writing this, I’m sitting on a bench on the west side of Guthrie Green Park in Downtown Tulsa. This happens to be the same bench that I ripped a hole in my pants on nearly a year and a half ago- a hole that ripped down the entire crotch of my pants in the middle of my work day on my lunch hour.
At that time, I was new to Tulsa and didn’t really have anyone to go to lunch with, so I swung by Jimmy Johns on my own and thought I’d head down to the park to eat my sandwich because what better place is there to eat a sandwich (sadwich?) by yourself? Anyway, as soon as I got out of my truck and went to sit on a bench to enjoy my delicious Turkey Tom, my pants ripped, sending me on an emergency run to Gap for a new pair of khakis and sending me back to my truck to eat my sandwich in the confines of closed doors because that’s what you do when you have a hole in your pants that’s the same size as the hole in the ozone layer.
Not much has changed since that afternoon a year and a half ago; however, at the same time, so much has.
-This same bench is still sitting here, and I’m still sitting on the same bench.
-I still don’t know many people in town.
-I’m still pretty shy and nervous about what people will think of me eating alone.
-I’m still dressing the same( though I try to buy sturdier pairs of pants).
-I still like the same food, same music and same sports teams.
All of those things seem the same. But at the same time, my entire world looks different.
I’m not wearing ripped pants, and I don’t have that same truck that sheltered my holy pant shame a year and a half ago. Come to think of it, I don’t even have those replacement pants. I have a new job, live in a different house and have covered my body with a few new tattoos to remind me of where I’ve been and why. I have a few new friends, and I’ve sadly lost a few old ones, and each one of these small, but big things, really has the scenery around me looking differently than I ever could have imagined it back then.
Since the last time I sat on this bench, I’ve made a lot of mistakes- most of which everyone around me is aware of, yet at the same time, I’ve done a lot of things to try to fix those mistakes and make sure they don’t happen again. Through some counseling, accountability and growing up, I’m a different person than I was then, and I’d like to think so for the better. But what if I’m not. What if I’m just a different person?
-Last time I sat here, I was more confident.
I was more confident because no one knew my mistakes.
-Last time I sat here, I was more sure of who I thought I was and who I thought I wanted to be.
I had goals, and those goals were shaping how my world looked.
Now, I lack confidence, care astronomically more about what people think about me and about what I create, I have almost zero goals, and did I mention I care way too much about what people think of me? It’s the soul reason I haven’t written a blog in 8 months, haven’t posted anything related to my personal life in more than a year on any social media outlet, and honestly, the reason I spend so much time behind a camera rather than in front of one- you can’t see me. Fear is the root. What you see (or don’t) is the stem. I don’t want to see what kind of plant that could bloom.
Everyone says perfect love casts out fear. All my Christian friends say that if you know God’s love, it’s perfect, and therefore, I shouldn’t fear. I guess maybe I’m still trying to understand that love because Lord knows, I’m still living in a lot of fear- At least over ripping my pants, anyway
In the mean time, it’s nice to write again, folks. Cheers to you.
-Cliff
Cliff’s Note: Writing without fear of judgement feels great; do it more often.